How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
