I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I'm at about main and main street
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
