I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
