Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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