I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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