I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
