I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
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If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize