saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
