i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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