it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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