There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
