Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
