mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
