dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
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