It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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