Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
