In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
