im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
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