what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
