pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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