This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
