I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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