I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I didn't notice because vodka
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
