I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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