The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
