Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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