this beer tastes like vomit already
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
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Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
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Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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