You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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