When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
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Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
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I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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