Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Is her dick bigger than yours?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
