clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
