we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
