hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
