if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
he was CRYING into my vagina
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize