I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
