please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
