She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
