After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
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LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
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You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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