Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
