hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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