Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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