I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
