I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize
