The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize