My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
