nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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