You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
