Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Randomize
