I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
