I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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