I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
