Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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