my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
