I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
