We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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