My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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