yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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