Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
