I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
