The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
