I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
